Pokemon Cuisine
by Akallas von Aerok
Summary: Sometimes, it's better to not know where your delicious hamburger came from...
1. Entry 1: Bulbasaur

_**... So my hard-drive kinda fried itself on my laptop. Which had most of my stories, including a rather long original story I intended to publish.**_

 _ **As you can probably guess, I am not happy. This is my way of letting loose on that unhappiness.**_

* * *

 _ **Pokemon Cuisine is a real thing in canon Pokemon. Look up Pigeot and Slowpoke entries.  
But there will be a lot of AU here, which is the norm for my stories.  
Warning: AU, death, decapitation, and etc.  
Disclaimer: I do not own any pokemon, but the ideas here are all mine.**_

* * *

 **Pokemon Cuisine**

Entry 1: Bulbasaur Herbal Steak

Introduction and History:  
Bulbasaur has been part of human cuisine for a long time. This is due to its nature as a "living plant." It has both sizable meat and plant. Bulbasaur Herbal Steak, however, was not developed until the late 19th century.  
Steak itself is a more European culture food, but Bulbasaurs grew up in the Eastern hemisphere in the Kanto Region, and the two did not meet until European explorers found the Kanto Region, which was at the time under the rule of Arashi Shogunate. Then Daimyo of the Arashi Shogunate demanded from the Europeans to contribute to his people's culture if they wanted to establish trade with his shogunate and people.

Steak was then introduced by Explorer Samuel de Freville of France. He taught the local chefs of the Kanto Region how to cook meat as steaks so that the meat retains juiciness and softness.  
The Europeans who first tried the Bulbasaur Herbal Steak were ecstatic about the usefulness of a Bulbasaur, so much so that they attempted to smuggle some back to their country, only to be caught and trade restricted due to their actions.

Purpose:  
The purpose of this entry is to teach the reader how to properly cook a Kanto Region specialty: the Bulbasaur Herbal Steak.

Cooking Procedure:  
1\. Prepare the ingrediant (1 juvenile Bulbasaur)  
2\. Kill it.  
3\. Drain the body of the blood and clean the cooking table of any blood.  
4\. Using a cleaver, chop off the seed sack. Save the seeds as they can be planted to become new Bulbasaurs. Save the leaves as it is the herb that will be used in steak preparation.  
5\. Using the same cleaver, remove all of the limbs and innards.  
6\. Bulbasaur's most sought after meat cut for steak is the loins, so save them.  
7\. Once the loin has been removed, tenderize the meat with a meat tenderizer.  
8\. In a pot of water (1L), add the aforementioned Bulbsaur Seed Sack Leaves. Not only are these nutritional in broth, but they heighten the softness of any meat they come into contact with during cooking.  
9\. Add 200 grams of raw white onion, 1 gram of Cinnamon (evenly spread), and 5~10 leaves of basil. Do not substitute basil with other herbs. It's better to not use one than use an alternative in this recipe.  
10\. Boil the broth.  
11\. While the boiling is in progress, cut the tenderized meat to make even squares all over the surface and add just a pinch of salt.  
12\. Once the broth is in low boil, add the steak meat into the broth.  
13\. Wait approximately 15 minutes in low boil.  
14\. Pull out both the seed pack leaves and the meat, and serve with the meat on top of the leaves.

Notes:  
*This recipe is known to contain a lot of Vitamin A.  
*Is often expensive.


	2. Entry 2: Bulbasaur Hunting

A man appeared on the screen, surrounded by plant life of all kind. The dark canopies above and floor of yellow leaves depicted a scene of a thick forest.

He looked at the camera and put a finger to his lips.

"That's a mighty fine bulbasaur right there," he whispered to the camera as he gently removed a bit of the leafy cover they were behind. With the cover lifted, the camera showed the audience a small clearing filled with odd flowers, and on the other side was a bulbasaur. Its green and cyan hide lifted up and sank back down. "It's sleeping," the man added.

"So what are we going to do?"

"Why, we're gonna hunt it, of course!" the hunter grinned before pulling out a hunting rifle. He took careful aim... and ...

POP.

Blood spurted out of the bulbasaur's head as it thrashed about.

"HAHA! Headshot, bitch!" the hunter cackled as he jumped out of the cover and ran over to the dead bulbasaur. "Now, we gotta get out of here before its mother comes after us, and let me tell you, I don't want no venusaur after my ass. They don't taste that good, either," he added before he grabbed the unmoving bulbasaur's limbs and dragged it away.

The camera followed the hunter and his prize on the run, and then they were in the hunter's truck. The hunter threw the bulbsaur over and onto the open trunk. "Alright, let's move it. Get in the back."

Then they were moving.

But as they left, the camera picked up a sound.

A sorrowful wail of a venusaur, roaring into the cloudy night sky.

* * *

The camera focused on the hunter-turned-chef as the man prepared a knife. "Now, dear viewer, this is the part where you might want to stop watching if you're with kids or have a weak stomach," the hunter/chef said as he took the knife. "Well, I gave you all a fair warning. The first thing you have to do with a bulbasaur is to remove its back seedpocket. I know there's a better, fancier name for it, but it's a leaf pocket holding seeds, ergo seedpocket."

The chef took a cleaver and struck the root of the bulb from the backside.

"Now, I already bled this little guy," the chef spoke as he pulled back the cleaver and struck again. "So he won't be bleeding all over us. Fun fact: most saurian pokemon's blood can be turned into fish bait with a bit of jello." He struck again, and this time, the bulb rolled off. "There. Finally, it's off. Come and take a look at this."

The camera swerved around the butcher table and had bulbasaur's bulb-less back centered on its screen.

"You see that plant stem there?" the chef asked as he poked at what was clearly a plant stem (though bloodied) with his cleaver. "That's why they call bulbasaur, ivysaur, and venusaur plant-animal hybrid. They really are once you dig deeper. Unfortunately, this is not a science class, so we'll be pulling this thing out." The chef grabbed the stem and pulled.

What came out bloodied the screen a bit. The stem brought out a round and red organ with it. "This, the chef spoke up. "Is bulbasaur's plant growth sac. It's what turns their animal body into plant. Also, see these white strings? Those are nerves. Yes, sir, that means that if you hurt a bulbasaur's bulb, it actually hurts them." He tossed the stem and its organ away. "Now we get to the meat skimming part, ladies and gentlemen."

The chef put down the cleaver and grabbed a slicing butcher knife. "First, you have to remove the skin. With most animals, you can cut open the skin, but we have an opening for us already, don't we?" he asked as he tapped the opening made by the ripped out stem-hole. He put the knife down and used both of his hands to pull away the green skin to show greenish red muscles. "Now, there's the meat we're looking for," he grinned. He picked up the knife again.

"Bulbasaur's best meat comes from its neck and loins. The rest are best left to make kibbles. Especially the head, that tastes horrible. And yes, for you dog pokemon lovers, you can feed them the rest. Bulbsaur meat is not only high in protein, but its also high in vitamins."

He took the knife, and began to slice off meats from the bones. He then separated the meat into two plastic containers. The left pile was the meat to be cooked, and the other was labeled "kibble."

"There," he said, covered in greenish red blood. He waved his bloodied knife a bit before putting it down. "There, that's all of the meat this little guy had," he said before putting it on the scale. "Now, the bulbsaur we caught was 14 kilos, and our meat is ... 3 kilos. Nice."

There was a bang in the background. "THIS IS THE POLICE!"

"Shit, they found us!" the chef hissed before he looked left and right for escape as did the camera. "Quick, t-"

"GRROOR!" a Growlithe jumped out of nowhere and hit the chef. The camera was flung from the cameraman, and hit the ground.

"You two are under arrest for poaching from local farms. You have the right to remain silent, and anything you say can and will be used against you in court-"

The camera cut off.


End file.
